On F#*$ing up and Filling your Cup

Posted On September 7, 2021

Well, I did it. I broke the blog.

I don’t know about on your end of things, but on my end of things it looks like the opportunity to comment is gone along with the subscribe button. So basically I am fairly sure that no one is getting this and and no one can tell me either way (insert obligatory facepalm emoji here).

This is a problem that I will hopefully fix in the next couple of days, though WordPress and I aren’t really getting along at the moment. There was a time in my life where I would have used this as an out. My internal narrative would have run something like, “I really screwed that up. This is way too much of a pain. I guess I’m just not meant to do this.” I’ll take a hard pass on that bs this time. I’ll dive back in and bash my head against the WP wall and quite likely break the blog some more, but eventually I’ll fix it, and in the meantime I’ll keep tossing out my messages in a bottle and maybe someone will stumble across them all the same (or, you know, see them when I put them up on Facebook) and it will give them a little extra something that they needed that day.

The mindset shift isn’t the only change recently. I’m discovering that I may not be as much of an introvert as I thought. Over the course of the long weekend we managed to have 5 different social interactions (all small and COVID safe, no worries). Our lovely neighbors joined us for pizza, we got in one last pre-start-of-school play date with one of our favorite families who are braving the return this year, we ventured out for some early apple picking, spent a lovely day at my in-laws, and had a fire with a dear friend we haven’t seen in far too long.

Even pre-pandemic this would have been unheard of for me. I like people, but I tend to need to re-charge with some serious alone time in between visits or I feel totally depleted. When I was in the classroom and directing theater for 15 years, I got it. You have to be really on and really out there and you just have nothing left really at the end of the day. When I started the work from home gig, I began to wonder about myself. (The cat has landed. Apparently the three day hiatus threw her off her routine for a minute.) I still found socializing to be slightly anxiety producing and fairly draining with the exception of a few choice people. I was one of those who actually enjoyed the lock down days, the narrowing of my sphere to something far more manageable. Don’t get me wrong, the pandemic has sucked, but the reduction in social interaction wasn’t an aspect I struggled with.

I always want to show up 100%, and while I might not succeed, it’s something I strive for. I think the burnout and the brain drain made that struggle a fairly intense one. With that gone, it’s so much easier to actually be present without having to force it.

I woke up this morning feeling calm, refreshed, and actually more fulfilled. I don’t know. I’m not ready to deal with big crowds (for a whole host of reasons), but I’m really hoping that the freakin’ Delta variant doesn’t drive us back into isolation just as I’m finally figuring out how to people again.

The bus just went by, my left arm is mostly numb from the weight of cat, and it’s time to rouse the lad so he can get ready for homeschool. I will keep working on the blog, I will likely keep breaking the blog, but I will keep showing up. I hope any interactions you have today fill your cup and keep you moving forward. Cheers!