Healthy heartstrings ~ a Valentine’s guide to connection during COVID.
Valentine’s Day seems an appropriate time to talk about how our connections to others, or our lack thereof, can affect our heart health. And no… it doesn’t have to be a romantic connection.
You’ve undoubtedly heard the often touted wisdom that married people live longer, almost inevitably followed by the bad joke of “ or does it just feel longer.”
The truth is that our interpersonal relationships can have a major impact on our hearts. A healthy marriage or intimate relationship can drastically improve heart health, but a bad relationship can actually increase the risk of cardiovascular disease. It would seem that it’s more about the quality of our interactions and which kinds of behaviors are being supported in the relationship. If our closest connections continually stress us out, keep us up with fighting and strife, or encourage negative habits, then obviously it’s going to have a negative impact on our hearts, physically and emotionally.
Again this isn’t limited to romantic relationships. If your only outings with your buddies are hitting the local bar every week, that’s going to have a different impact on your health than if you’re hitting the hiking trails.
All of our interpersonal connections play a role in our overall health. Think about the impact that a bad relationship with a coworker can have on your stress level, or how an afternoon spent with a grandchild can raise your spirits and give you a sense of well being. More and more studies are demonstrating just how important our social network is to our health.
Studies are now finding that loneliness can be as detrimental to our health as obesity and smoking and is associated with depression, cognitive decline, high blood pressure and early mortality (Harvard Health).
John Cacioppo, who led so much of the research on the topic that he was known as Doctor Loneliness, said that due to our evolution we are wired to see being alone or being surrounded by strangers as dangerous (For those of you who struggle to understand social anxiety, there you have it. It’s evolution). Humans are unbelievably social creatures who, until modern times, lived in communal settings for their whole lives. Loneliness makes us feel isolated and unsafe. Jill Lepore, who wrote a fantastic article entitled “The History of Loneliness” for the New Yorker, worded it best: “Loneliness is grief, distentended.”
Before you say, “But I like my alone time. I’m not lonely.” Loneliness isn’t necessarily about being alone. We can live alone and not feel lonely or we can feel deeply, heartbreakingly lonely while surrounded by people, even our families. “Loneliness is defined as a distressing feeling that accompanies the perception that one’s social needs are not being met by the quantity or especially the quality of one’s social relationships.” (Hawkley and Cacioppo).Quality connections with others help stabilize blood pressure and reduce overall stress. They make us healthier.
So, great! Healthy interpersonal connections can keep us healthy and loneliness can kill us. What do we do about that during a pandemic where we may be in lockdown alone, or living in a social situation that isn’t meeting our needs?
Snuggle your pets
Whether you’re a dog or a cat person (or bunny person, or reptile person, etc.) snuggle your pets. Connecting with an animal can also reduce our stress level and benefit our health. Don’t have a pet? See if this is the right time to get one or even foster one. Or check in with your local animal shelter and see if they are still in need of/allowing volunteers to walk dogs and socialize cats. Your heart will thank you for it.
Identify your tribe
Despite being stuck at home, people are busy. This stuff is hard and takes up a tremendous amount of brain space. Not everyone is going to respond to our bids because they are just trying to keep their heads above water. Figure out who your go-to people are, and who the people are that might need you to go to them. It can be a family member or friend who is struggling, but be sure to look closer to home as well. Do you have an elderly neighbor who is living alone? Or a young person who moved into your neighborhood at the beginning of the pandemic and doesn’t necessarily have a social network yet? Find a safe and positive way to provide them with a connection. Helping others can help us feel far less lonely.
Don’t underestimate the importance of “weak ties”
It turns out that our casual connections with acquaintances and even strangers in our day to day lives can help strengthen our overall social network and increase our overall happiness. These are the kinds of interactions that have taken a pretty big hit during the pandemic, but luckily they are also the kinds of connections that can be easily maintained, and even strengthened, online. I actually Facebook stalked my favorite barista and we’ve been connecting about homeschooling only children during this time. I’ve also reached out to some people I’ve never spoken to in homeschooling groups and we’ve had some interesting exchanges.
Check out this article for some great tips on “how to keep connecting with strangers during the pandemic”.
Take a closer look at your most intimate relationship
Quarantine hasn’t been kind to a lot of couples. Stress can bring out the worst in all of us and if you’re both working from home and possibly also teaching children from home, that is A LOT on top of COVID anxiety. If you’ve never heard of the Drs. Gottman they are a brilliant scholarly couple who have studied love and connection for decades and have some amazing tools that can help you approach communication with your significant person in a different way. I recommend starting with this podcast as it talks specifically about the issues couples are facing during the pandemic.
Practice emotional first aid
I stumbled across this podcast in my day job and I love how he puts the focus on being proactive with our emotional health. He also talks about the dangers of loneliness. It can be pretty complicated. It makes us feel vulnerable. It can lead us to fear rejection that would increase our loneliness and keep us from reaching out when we need it the most. Be patient with yourself, and with the people you reach out to. We’re all fighting a very particular battle and compassion is key.
Please excuse my lazy resource page. I want to get this posted. Any former students who are reading this, please feel free to laugh at my hypocrisy.