It’s not the feelings, it’s how we feel about the feelings.

Posted On September 21, 2021

I’m having all the feelings this morning.

We had a markedly amazing long weekend and in the midst of it all we discovered that our big dog’s lymphoma was rearing its ugly head again.

This girl really likes to teach me about the good and the bad in life and about the crazy ride our feelings can take us on. We first got her diagnosis the day after I gave my notice. I was elated to be taking new steps in my life, quite literally dancing in my kitchen, when the vet called with the news.

It devoured me — quite literally swallowed me up. All I could focus on for a good 48 hours was the heart breaking sorrow, the guilt, the rage, and the desperate need to do something. Thanks to our amazing vet, we had her in chemo just over 48 hours after her diagnosis, but I was in misery, and pretty freakin’ miserable to be around, for those two days. I didn’t binge or simply curl up in a ball and collapse, but it was still deeply self-destructive.

Over the last 6 months, I’ve come across a number of podcasts and articles about dealing with our feelings in a different way, the last of which came to my notice just a couple of weeks ago (linked below). The premise of this episode of the podcast We Can Do Hard Things was about how to feel our emotions without judgement and this one quote really stuck with me.

“It isn’t our emotions that are the problem. It is how we feel about our emotions and how we process them because of how we feel about them, that leads to poor emotional health. You can have the same amount of anger and sadness and fear in two different sets of people and if they have different beliefs, different feelings about their feelings, then they have different health consequences.” (For my people who hate podcasts you can find the whole transcript here.)

I don’t know about you, but when I come across a big emotion I think it means I need to do something or push it down. Anger? Lash out or stuff it down. Sadness? Choke on it, sob uncontrollably, or eat half a tub of non dairy ice cream. Fear? Trouble shoot all of the possible ways I’m actually in danger until the threat is eliminated. Or hide. I’ve finally figured out that what I’m doing isn’t responding to these emotions, it is reacting. And my reactions are rarely that helpful because they really aren’t paired with thought. The other thing that I do when I react is judge the crap out of myself for it. I get mad at myself for getting mad. Get anxious about being anxious… you get the picture. As for stuffing emotions down, I’ve found that just causes them to ferment into a rage cocktail.

The thing that has turned me around, or I should say is starting to turn me around, is the concept that emotions are just information. Think of it as stepping out on your porch to test the temperature of the day before you decide what to wear. Something made me angry. Ok, do I need to address something with someone (once I am calm), does something in the situation need to change, or do I need to change my approach? I’m scared. Is there an actual threat that I can do something to fend off or did I just ramp up my cortisol levels watching scary movies? I’m feeling jealous. What need of mine isn’t getting met and how can I change that?

And of course, with every emotion we need to extend the same kindness we do to our kids-check to see if there’s a physical need that hasn’t been met. Am I overtired? Do I need to hydrate? When was the last time I ate healthy food?

It’s not easy and some days I still suck at it, but overall it’s a freakin’ game changer.

When I was loving on the big dog and felt those dreaded nodes, I let my stomach sink but I didn’t fly into panic mode. I cried on her neck for a bit, gave her the mushroom complex I had gotten to lax about, took some deep breaths and messaged her oncologist. We gave ourselves a night to sleep on it before really talking about our options, I consulted with a vet friend, and with all that information, including what our emotions were telling us, we decided we are not ready to give up. We’ll keep fighting as long as it’s good for her quality of life.

What I am not fighting this time around is my emotions. I let go of my guilt about getting lazy on her the mushroom complex, set up a better way to remember it, and decided I actually have the time to feed her a homemade diet this time around. I let myself get a little weepy when I need do, fully enjoy rough housing and throwing the ball for her when she wants, and allow myself to have fun doing things that aren’t connected to our time together as well. She’s a good teacher.

I may be a slow learner, but I think I may have found what I need to walk this path, whatever it brings, with more grace and balance. Time will tell.