Season’s Feelings

Posted On December 13, 2021

It’s been a minute.

Part of it is that the season has been consuming a fair bit of my time, but let’s be honest: this time of year isn’t easy on anyone, even if you love the season the way we do. There’s always just a ton of feelings that tend to crop up around this time. It got even harder last year; The 2020 holiday season was brutal for pretty much everyone, I think.

Last December, I was a mass of frustration and rage.  My aunt was sick over two thousand miles away and I could do so little.  COVID made it difficult to fly to her and I would not have been allowed in to see her in any case, the care place she was in and the physical state she was in made it all but impossible to get her on the phone, communication with her care team was shoddy at best. Every day was a struggle to find something that I could DO to help. When she passed a few short days before Christmas the rage and frustrations overwhelmed the grief.

This year is a different kind of hard. There are the memories of last year, of course, and then there is the experience of sitting with Caly through her lymphoma. It’s a strange privilege, in a way. When she got her final prognosis this fall, we didn’t think we would have this long with her. Watching a being you love die — it’s excruciating, but we know it’s far harder to not be able to be there for the end. Showering Caly with love and doing all we can to provide her comfort…it’s a privilege. 

We start every morning together. If I’ve had to get up and moving sooner than she would like, she lays at my feet. If we have the time, she hopes up on the bed with me, puts her paw in my hand and stares into my eyes. Most mornings I cry. Sometimes the tears are from sorrow and sometimes they are of gratitude for this time of connection – something that was so sorely missing from last December. 

Anyone who is balking at me comparing the death of a beloved human to the death of a beloved dog never met my aunt (and probably never had a dog).  My aunt was one of the biggest animal advocates I’ve ever known and her pets were her family.  Every choice I have made for Caly, I have made with her voice in my heart, and I pray I have her strength and wisdom guiding me through what comes next. 

For now I am trying to just be in the moment and feel the feelings. Day by day, I can tell that this year is healing some of last year’s pain. This year, I hold Caly’s paw when she wants me to. She sits in my lap – all 80 pounds of her. I give her herbal supplements several times a day, some of them researched and crafted by me. I can monitor her breathing, take her for walks or play ball when she’s up for it, hold her when she’s anxious. And cry with her. I get to feel all the feelings I couldn’t seem to allow myself to feel last year, without the frustration and the rage. It still hurts, but it’s pain with purpose, with connection.  

I know I’m not the only one dealing with a lot of heavy feelings this season. And I know how hard it is to just let yourself feel them when you’re also trying to make the holiday fun and festive for those around you. I’m finally learning there’s room for all of the emotions. That it’s ok to weep with Caly one moment and find the joy to dance with my son to Christmas carols the next. That both are authentic, and that being willing to sit with the grief and pain allows me to feel the joy more deeply. 

I wish you the time and space to feel all your feelings this holiday season. May you allow yourself to sit with the lows to have a better understanding of the highs and find peace in the balance in between.